Existential Crisis

photoby Elvyra Gel Olazo

I’ve been feeling tired lately and I don’t know why. Not the kind of physical tiredness, more like tired of life. The kind of tiredness where no matter how much I sleep it off is still not good enough.

Wake up, take a shower, eat breakfast, walk to the jeepney bay, ride the jeepney to school, go up the stairs to the building of my first class, chat with friends, pretend to listen to the professor but sometimes actually listen, class ends, go to the next, get constructive criticism for my blog article, class ends, eat lunch with friends, have stimulating conversation with friends, go to last class, find myself thinking about nothing while still looking at the professor, class ends, go home, do some workout, eat dinner, surf the net, blog, sleep, repeat.

Tired of life, tired of school, tired of doing nothing, tired of doing the same thing every day and expecting something to change. I feel like my life is on repeat over and over again. Like I’m just going through the motion with nowhere to go. I really thought I’d be happy by now but I guess things aren’t always how we want them to be.

I actually did try something new which made me feel more alone and lonely than ever. I joined this pageant and knew the moment I stepped in that room where all the candidates were that I was completely out of place.

It wasn’t the people themselves that were wrong; it was probably me and what we do that bothered me. Since this was my first time, I didn’t know what to expect. Saying that I wasn’t prepared for what was coming is a complete understatement. Fake smiles, walk like you’re some hot shit, all eyes on you. Smells like teen spirit.

Two days before this competition, I lied on my bed and had an existential crisis. I just kept asking myself ‘who am I? what am I doing with my life?’ and all those other things you ask yourself when you’re at an all-time low. I couldn’t answer any of those questions. I couldn’t cry, which at that time I really wanted to do so badly. I felt like a part of my soul was leaving my body, the light behind my eyes were going out (not dying, just losing hope, I guess), and I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong and what pissed me more was that I couldn’t do anything about it.

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What brought me back was my family and friends who put their faith in me which is why I joined in the first place. I lost, which was a huge sigh of relief on my part, but a disappointment too that I let them down.

“You know what Gel, di mo lang alam kung gaano ako kaproud na maging kaibigan mo. Kasi di ka na natatakot na iconquer ang iba’t ibang bagay especially your fears. Ibang Gel na ang nakikita namin. Ang husay lang! You made Issa cry. Ituloy mo lang yan.” – Ervin Jayvee Lopez

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“I’m so proud of you, Elvz! Proud friend here! :’) Sorry may iyak iyak factor, so proud kase.” – Carissa Joy Garcia

1045060_449898828440019_355465512_n“Kahit wala ako dun, ang sobrang tagal na nating hindi nagkita, I’m very proud of you Elvz! You don’t need to win a beauty pageant to prove your beauty, because for me, for all of us, you’re a true beauty queen. Not just a beautiful face but also a beautiful soul and a beautiful personality. Love you Gel! And I miss you so much! ” – Angel Dei Peralta

These were just some of the things they said to me. I’ve never felt so blessed and loved in all my life. After that frantic week of my life, I experience new things; I gained a new found appreciation to all pageant girls and guys, I coughed up blood (After our rehearsal, I just started coughing and had trouble breathing maybe because it was so hot in the auditorium without any fans or aircon, fyi oh my god I’m gonna die, and I haven’t eaten yet. No worries! I’m still alive and kicking.) Anyways, I also accepted that I would never be one of them, which is o-freaking-kay. Guess I could cross out ‘join a pageant’ in my bucket list (which I don’t have so I guess I’d have to make one).

“We’re the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our great war is a spiritual war. Our great depression is our lives. We’ve all been raised on television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars, but we won’t. We’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed off.” – Tyler Durden, Fight Club movie

These words speak what’s in my heart right now. I have no war to win or fight, only the battle to save my soul (if I have any), no great depression or ultimate highs. The closest thing I had was when my sister assumed that I got depressed after losing. The nerve of her! Ha! Try as hard as I might but people wouldn’t know me. I’m about as insignificant as it’s gonna get. Average. Not a billionaire, or a model, or a very special journalist.

I still have that unshakable tired feeling inside of me. I hope nobody feels the same as I do because if you are, then you must feel like crap right now.  I’m lost, flawed, all-too human, and uncomfortable in my own skin. I realize that now. I don’t know what to do except to continue on with my life and somehow find this purpose that I so desperately need. I’ll just let the chips fall in and out of place and I’ll take it from there.

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